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a Sherlock critique meme


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Any works NOT related to any adaptation of Sherlock, or cross-overs featuring Sherlock characters as the main characters may be posted here. If your story features any characters from any adaption of Sherlock Holmes, please use the Sherlock post.

[D.N.Angel] as the moonlight trembles (1/2)

(Anonymous)
For those familiar with anime!D.N.Angel:

[Spoiler (click to open)]This takes place in ep 20. I've tried to keep it as canon to the anime as possible, but if there are any glaring discrepancies that can't be hand-waved (characterisation or otherwise), please tell me. Satoshi in particular was difficult because he's just so guarded, I can't quite figure out what he's thinking.

For those unfamiliar with D.N.Angel:

[Spoiler (click to open)]the tl;dr of it is that there are two cursed boys, Daisuke and Satoshi. Their curses are linked to each other. Mio was recruited by Satoshi's father to get rid of Daisuke. Satoshi would prefer that the curse was dealt with without Daisuke as a casualty; his father has no such qualms.


Mio is not human. She's helping Satoshi's father in exchange for the promise of a life (specifically: Diaisuke's). She ends up liking Daisuke by this stage of the anime.


--

When she stumbles upon him in the central Library, she's sufficiently surprised that she forgets to muffle a small cry of surprise.

"Satoshi!" Mio says, covering her shock with feigned cheer. "Oh, you're so studious! I can see why your father adores you. What are you looking at?"

Satoshi carefully closes his book, and Mio makes a show of trying to peek at the page he was reading. She doesn't quite manage it before the book closes in her face, and the golden letters on the cover are too complicated and too faded for her to make out. "What are you doing here?" he asks, because this is a restricted section of the library dedicated to art history. His eyebrows slant down, dipping below the line of his glasses.

Mio brings a finger to her mouth in mock-thought. "Hmmm, I wonder," she says. There's something about the fact that the sensors that line the arched entrances don't seem to acknowledge her presence that seems a little depressing. She gives him a half-truth. "Maybe I just wanted to kill time?"

"Maybe you should leave," Satoshi replies.

Something catches at the edge of her consciousness, and tells her to stay. When she blinks, she sees red hair, shining bright and vivid. "I think...I think I have something to tell you," Mio tells him.

Satoshi looks at her, face blank. "I'm not interested in what you have to say."

Mio tugs at her skirt and breathes. "It's about Daisuke Niwa," she says, and the corners of Satoshi's mouth tightens.

"Alright," he says, and he slides the book into the bookcase where it sits, indistinguishable from its neighbors. "But not here."

He leads her to his apartment in silence through winding back alleys charmingly paved with roughly hewn rock. The apartment itself is almost painfully sparse, and plain enough that when she tells him it's nice he ignores her so pointedly that she can't help but laugh. His brusqueness is oddly charming.

He waves her into the apartment, past a room ended with a high window that backlights something large and shadowy that she only gets the briefest glance at, then into a small shadowy kitchenette furnished only by a small table, and two chairs. One of the chairs doesn't match the other or the table, as though it were added as an afterthought. There's a single window, a tiny slip inserted between two wall cabinets.. He shows her a seat, and tells her, "I'm going to need coffee."

She sits, and ends up with her back against the window. She stares at the shadow that the moonlight makes as it curves around her body to hit the wall. She is real enough to cast a shadow, if nothing else.

"Whatever it is, you may as well tell me now," Satoshi says behind her. There's the sound of a tap running, and then the click of an electric kettle.

Mio listens to the gradually increasing rumble of the kettle. "Something bad might happen to Daisuke in the near future," Mio admits in a low voice.

Satoshi is quiet, but the sound of his rummaging through the kitchen cupboards slows until it's punctuated by the sound of a single cupboard door closing. When he finally speaks, his voice is a harsh whisper. "This is why I didn't want anyone to get involved."

"I didn't mean to," Mio says, and flushes. "Well, okay, no, I did mean to, but..." Her shoulders jerk in surprise when a mug is set down beside her with the clatter of porcelain against glass.

[D.N.Angel] as the moonlight trembles (2/3)

(sorry: using the sock because captcha is being weird)

"It's only tea," Satoshi says as he sits down opposite her. He cups a mug of his own between his hands. "I don't seem to have any coffee at the moment."

"Thank you," Mio says carefully.

Satoshi curls his hands tighter around the mug, and on an intellectual level the movement registers in her mind as an attempt to seek warmth. She rests the back of one hand against the mug experimentally, and registers to difference in temperature against her skin. Satoshi asks her, "do you have anything else to tell me?"

"I can't," she says. "I can't tell you."

"Of course not," Satoshi says, and his voice is unreadable again. "Then why did you want to speak to me?"

"I don't want Daisuke to be hurt," she says quietly to the table. "Please. Look after him."

"It's a little hard if you won't tell me what you're scheming," Satoshi says.

"But you'll try, right?" Mio needles. "After all, he's your - " Satoshi straightens, and Mio finishes her sentence there and then.

"I'll do what has to be done," Satoshi says.

Mio shouldn't be allying herself with him. He's her enemy. Her rival. He's one of the few obstacles standing between her and the life that she wants. That she thinks she wants. And - he's tired, Mio realises. There are shadows under his eyes, a dull bruised blue to match his hair, and his skin is pale with fatigue.

On a whim, Mio leans across the table to kiss him on the cheek. When she pulls back, Satoshi looks back at her, motionless apart from the rise and fall of his chest. "Was that an American custom?" he asks. Mio wonders if that's what passes for his sense of humour, because from what she's been told there's no way a Hikari wouldn't be able to sense the magic running beneath the surface of her facade as clearly as they could see blue of the sky.

"We could have been friends, in another life," Mio says. She sends him a wink, and forces her voice to be bright. This room needs the cheer. "Or maybe even more."

Satoshi leans back in his chair. "That implies you have a life," he says.

Mio doesn't let her smile crack. "Yeah." She listens to a clock tick in the remaining silence, and somewhere from within the town a bell begins to chime. She counts the peals as they ring from one, two, and through to eleven.

Satoshi sighs when the last of the bells have faded away and they've been quiet for far too long, a silent opening of the mouth slumping of the shoulders that seems more gesture than action. "I'll walk you home," he offers.

"I don't have a home," she says quietly. Satoshi doesn't react. She always wishes he had. "And...there might be something I need to do tonight."

Satoshi tilts his head, and the moonlight glances off his glasses. "Related to Daisuke?"

"Yes."

He taps the table once with a finger. "Wait at the door," he tells her, and disappears out the kitchen. She follows him out to watch him up the stairs, but stops at the door as he'd told her. She takes the moment to glance across at the window, and the strange shape in front of it. It's a winged chair, one wing beautifully carved, the other a shattered thing, the wires that provided the basis of its shape visible. She edges away from it towards the door, because something about it feels off, and eerily familiar. She feels like she'd seen it before in the book, and she frowns a little at the thought, because she certainly doesn't remember doing so.

When Satoshi comes down the stairs, he has a cape over one arm, and a pair of gloves in his hand. He offers them silently. When Mio slips them on, she thinks what she's feeling might be warmth, and an idea comes to mind.

"Give me a second," she says. She runs past him back into the kitchenette, and rummages through the drawers, slamming back empty drawer after empty drawer.

"What are you doing," Satoshi snaps, and grabs her arm. She shakes him off.

"Help me find some scissor - here," she says as she finds a lonely pair hidden at the back of a drawer, its only friend a single spoon. "Cut off some of my hair."

"Excuse me?" The vaguest hints of emotion shape the edges of Satoshi's words. Confusion, maybe. She won't fool herself to think it's concern.

[D.N.Angel] as the moonlight trembles (3/2)

"Just do it," she says, pulling at the ribbon in her hair until it comes out smoothly. He shrugs, but does, and when she reties the ribbon with only her reflection in the kitchen window as a mirror, she sees that he had cut a lock of hair off from the base, deep enough into her hair that it's not noticeably missing when the ribbon is back in place.

"What am I to do with this?" Satoshi asks. He's tied the lock into a knot so that each strand of hair stays together.

"If it disappears, then you'll know I'll have as well," Mio tells him.

"And that something may have happened to Daisuke?"

"Yeah. Um." Satoshi is staring at the knot of hair in his hand. "I'll be leaving now," Mio says. When Satoshi is quiet, she bows and says, "sorry for intruding," and hastily leaves as quietly as she can.

When she reaches the pavement outside the apartment complex, she stares up at the window that looks into Satoshi's apartment, the one that is filled with the shadow of the oddly winged chair.

Then something pulls at her chest, and she knows she needs to move now.

OP

(Anonymous)
The above was 3/3. My bad.

(come on captcha, work!)

Re: [D.N.Angel] as the moonlight trembles (3/2)

(Anonymous)
OP (making notes here so that I don't lose them/forget them.

- a the restricted section (consider)
- check sentence lengths. Split up a few. Or a lot.

Re: [D.N.Angel] as the moonlight trembles (1/2)


Re: [D.N.Angel] as the moonlight trembles (1/2)

(Anonymous)
Wow! D.N.Angel, it's sure been a while... I like your Satoshi!

There's something about the fact that the sensors that line the arched entrances don't seem to acknowledge her presence that seems a little depressing.

This sentence is a bit weird. I'd make it "the sensors lining the arched" entrances and leave the "don't seem to" out? They either do, or they don't. I guess.

There's the Niwa Daisuke vs. Daisuke Niwa issue depending on who you ask... it's not a big deal, though. I prefer the Japanese way myself.

Again, possible preference but... "with the clatter of porcelain against glass." sounds a bit unnecessary to me.

Satoshi asks her, "do you have anything else to tell me?"


do -> Do

Satoshi curls his hands tighter around the mug, and on an intellectual level the movement registers in her mind as an attempt to seek warmth.

Not a fan of this sentence, either. ^^; Sorry.

So, some SPAG problems. Beta recommended. I didn't notice any of the seams in your writing that you mentioned on the rant meme. It's an interesting story - definitely not bad - so don't let my possible harsh-sounding comment scare you off. This is just how I always am. I'd like to know where the story goes, though. Keep it up? It's more interesting and better written than 80% of the D.N.Angel fanfiction I remember reading when the anime first came out.

Re: [D.N.Angel] as the moonlight trembles (1/2)

(Anonymous)
Oh, and take everything I say with a grain of salt/forgive any typing mistakes! I should've gone to bed hours ago... ^^;

Re: [D.N.Angel] as the moonlight trembles (1/2)

(Anonymous)
Nope, you've pretty much done exactly what I needed someone to do! (It didn't seem harsh to me, if it helps.)

This sentence is a bit weird.

Yep. I thought so as well, but couldn't quite pin down why. What you've said makes sense. The other corrections I pretty much agree with, except for:

Not a fan of this sentence, either.

Not because I disagree, but because I don't understand. Is it the execution that's off? I'll rework that passage, but I'd like to know if it's because it's clumsy (so, just a rework), or because the idea (the emphasis that Mio is not quite real) is a bad one (and so should be removed).

I'd like to know where the story goes, though

Spoilers for the anime:

[Spoiler (click to open)]Mio had given Riku a set of evil/creepy pendants in previous episodes. In this episode, Mio sacrifices herself so that Daisuke doesn't....do whatever the pendants had been intended for him to do. Die, I suppose.

Re: [D.N.Angel] as the moonlight trembles (1/2)

(Anonymous)
I'm glad I didn't seem to harsh! *relief!* =)

Not because I disagree, but because I don't understand. Is it the execution that's off?

Aah, my apologies for not explaining properly! I was far too sleepy! x'D I think I like the idea of emphasising Mio is not quite human, but the sentence there is a little too complicated IMO - belonging more in a Sherlock!POV fic than D.N.Angel perhaps? I feel like something simpler would feel more... uh... natural? I think it's the "on an intellectual level" there that throws me off. Could be just me, though!

Ooh! If you'd like, leave a link on the rant meme when you're finished? :D I'd love to read it!

Re: [D.N.Angel] as the moonlight trembles (1/2)

(Anonymous)
belonging more in a Sherlock!POV fic than D.N.Angel perhaps

Because she's basically a fourteen year old. Of course. /facepalm

Structurally, the fic is "finished" as is (because it slots in the gap riiiight before Mio gtfos for the first time at least cough finale cough). As a piece of work, it needs to be cleaned way, way, up. If you're still interested (because really, you'd just be reading the same thing again), certainly!

Thank you so much for your input. ♥

Harry Potter - A Mudblood at Hogwarts

I'm looking for a beta for what will hopefully be a multipart AU covering 1st to 4th year. Beyond the obvious spelling and grammar I'm worried about being accused of entirely unintended Ron bashing because of the POV choice.

[A Mudblood at Hogwarts - Before Hogwarts]
Hermione quickly settled into the routine at Mistress Mallory’s. She was the youngest border there and the only one without any magical education which immediately set her apart. The ostracisation only got worse when on 1st July her Hogwarts letter arrived.

That morning Mistress Mallory took her through the winding streets of Ottery St Catchpole to Edgecomb’s Emporium to buy what they could of her Hogwarts supplies. The bulk of which Mistress Mallory explained would have to come from The Alleys.

Edgecomb’s Emporium was located in an outbuilding of a chaotic farm yard; chickens ran freely under foot, an old collie lounged under a ramshackle cart with two red haired teenage boys sat on top. The outhouse roof dipped alarmingly in the middle, the windows had no glass only wooden shutters open in the bright summers day. The building was packed to the rafters with what seemed to be disordered piles in between which there were three more red heads and a waif like blonde. A boy and two girls about Hermione’s age and plump middle aged woman.

“Hogwarts?” The woman asked Mistress Mallory.

“Yes, Hermione made it.” Mistress Mallory replied. “Are your youngest two off this year Molly?”

“Yes. I’m so proud of them.” Molly said. She caught the two children tight to her. “I’m Molly Weasley, we live over in the Burrow. These are my youngest boy Ron, our only girl Ginny and our neighbour Luna Lovegood. They be joining you at Hogwarts this year.”

“Pleased to meet you ma’am” Hermione said politely. “I’m Hermione Granger.”

“Why don’t you four go outside with Fred and George until Mr Edgecomb comes back with the wands?” Mrs Weasley said.

Ron grabbed her hand and dragged her out before she could comment. “They’ll be talking adult stuff and complaining about the cost of robes and things.”

“Mistress Mallory is your guardian. It’s her responsibility to worry about adult things for now.” Luna said dreamily.

“They’ll come and get us when Mr Edgecomb comes back with the wands.” Ginny cut in.

“I wish we could have new wands.” Ron gripped.

“I’ve read they work much better than second hand wands.” Hermione added.

“But they don’t cost 7 Galleons.” Luna moaned plopping herself down on one cart.

“Edgecomb’s has the best selection of second hand wands in Britain.” One of the two older boys said draping himself over Hermione and Ron.

“Never fear.” The other one said draping himself over Ginny and Luna. “You’ll match a wand and be rivalling your brother dears in pranking.”

“In you come dears.” Mrs Weasley yelled from the door triggering a stampede as Fred and George joined them.

Mr Edgecomb had laid out a spread of wands across the counter on warm supple leather. “Pick up each one in turn give it to me if it reacts. We’ll chose the best match.”

“Ron you’re the oldest you go first.” Mrs Weasley nodded to him.

Re: Harry Potter - A Mudblood at Hogwarts

[A Mudblood at Hogwarts - Before Hogwarts Continued]
He walked up to the table and gave the first wand a hesitant wave drooping slightly when nothing happened. It took 5 wands for one to react to him shooting light green sparks. “Ash and dragon heartstring not quiet try again.” Mr Edgecomb told him. Ron when through another 6 wands before picking up and elegantly twisted wand and causing flowers to rain down over Ginny, Luna and Hermione. “Ash and Coral, 13”. That’s a very good match. Who’s next?”

Mrs Weasley nodded at Ginny who giggled and ran up to the counter. The first wand she picked up caused a down pour of water. “I don’t think we’ll find a better match than that. Hazel and Kelpie Mane. Only 7” good for a growing sprout. Next it’s?

Mistress Mallory pushed Hermione lightly forward. The first wand she touched set fire to Mr Edgecomb’s beard, the second made a massive bang that made the piles of stuff rock and the third and fourth did nothing at all. “When were you born child?” Mr Edgecomb asked

“19th September 1980 sir.” Hermione said worried. He hadn’t needed to ask any questions for Ginny or Ron.

“By the celtic calendar vine or bramble. Bramble wands are extremely rare but these are my vine wood wands.” He pushed 6 wands forward. “Try those as you were.” None of them were brilliant matches but nothing exploded when Hermione touched them. “This one seems to be the best I can do for you young lady.” Mr Edgecomb said. “10½” Vine wood with a Unicorn tail hair. If you come back next year with that wand in good condition I’ll swap you for a better match. Last but definitely not least up you come Luna.”

Luna stepped up last grasping the first wand firmly and seeming not to care at all when nothing happened. She blinked slightly when the third she picked up made a sound like a car back firing and quickly put it down. The fifth wand she picked up cast a stream of silver sparks and made her smile. “This one please.”

“A good choice Miss Lovegood. That is 16” of Willow and Unicorn hair. Perfect for a moon child.” Mr Edgecomb smiled and tucked Luna’s wild curls behind her ear. “I think that’s everyone. That will be two galleons for each wand. Please.” Mrs Weasley handed over some robes as well before fishing out 8 galleons from her enormous hand bag.

Mistress Mallory passed over 2 galleons. “I’ll be in tomorrow with the rest of my lot for their St James stuff.”

Mrs Weasley said suddenly, “You four come here I’ll teach you your first two charms. Hold your wands and then turn a tight circle around the top of your heads and slash down.” She demonstrated with her own. “The incantation is esse elegans, Es-ay Le-gan” They copied her feeling their heads tingle looking around they could see their hair looked neat, clean and more controlled. “And the one you’ll find more interesting needs a sharp poke,” Mrs Weasley thrust her wand violently forward, “The incantation is Ffwrdd, Foo-rth.” Again they copied her and found themselves sitting on their behinds. “It’s an easy knock back spell. If you ever need to get away from someone cast it. Don’t let me hear of you using it in appropriately.”

Mrs Weasley smiled. “I’ll pick you up on Monday Hermione to go to the Alleys. It was nice to meet you. “

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